Yesterday I
had the kind of day where stress coiled my right shoulder and neck into a
tight, angry thing. I couldn’t sleep well. I was tired and burdened. It was
just a lot to internalize. I’m not being specific, but it was the kind of day
that makes me say, “Oh hey, world. I really love you, but wow, you aren’t the
easiest thing to navigate, are you?”
We went to In
& Out for Family Night (five thumbs up) and I read 1 Nephi 16 to the guys
on the way home. The thing we noticed and discussed after our latest reading of
this passage was that when his family was hungry in the wilderness and Nephi’s
bow was broken, Lehi doubted. The prophet Lehi doubted. He did not know
if he believed that God would deliver them. He began to wonder if he had made
the right choice in listening to God and taking his family into the wilderness.
I think this
chapter includes Lehi’s wavering faith because we have all been there or will
someday be. We can be obedient and faithful and try and try and try, faithfully
maintaining hope. And at times, we may look around and wonder what is
happening. What are we even doing? Is it ever going to get better?
I’m not in
that place right now. But it’s easy to find oneself there, which I think is
something that God allows to happen to us so we can question and wallow and
decide for ourselves what we actually believe.
Anyway, back
to the things that were weighing me down yesterday. They are things that are
out of my control. They are worrisome things. But worrying about them doesn’t
achieve anything. I believe in allowing myself to feel all the feelings I am
feeling, letting them pass over and through me, without judgment. I know I will
emerge on the other side and that there is no sense in carrying all those
emotions with me. I will undoubtedly move on to other emotions. It’s a
progression.
It was another
one of those days where I was Lehi. And Nephi. With a little infusion of Laman
& Lemuel. I believed in God and I believed God. Yet, the details of
my family’s life were foggy and the weight of it was heavy. Heaviness can make
you doubt, possibly because the weariness overtakes you and clouds your
perspective.
But I found
myself saying to the boys in the car while they drank their shakes, “When Lehi
asked God to forgive him and to help them, God showed him exactly where to go
to find food so they could eat.”
Because he
did. They approached him sincerely and he provided what they needed.
My life has
shown me that he will and he does.
But we will
still have the days and the years and the harrowing experiences which challenge
us and make us wonder when things will change and how it will be possible. My
life has been a study in seeing that we need to experience the hunger and the
fear, so we will turn to God and he can show us where to find exactly what we
need.
Megan
Goates lives with her family in Utah, where she raises boys, teaches
college writing, and blogs about the strange beauty of special needs
parenting at http://tooursurvival.com.
